Re-Solutions

Oh hi!

I'm slowing coming out of my prime-rib, Christmas cookie, lasagna, eggnog and booze, Holiday season induced coma. I was so excited to have so many days off of work I didn't fully appreciate all the calories it would take to sustain that excitement. I think I'm on a newborns feeding schedule--eating or drinking something every two hours.  Here's hoping my work clothes still fit!!!

This is usually the time I'm making resolutions for the New Year.  If every day in a new beginning, why do we make such a fuss about New Year's resolutions? Why not Feb. 4th resolutions? Or June 27th?  I hear September is lovely for resolutions and it's never too late in December... I guess turning over a new year is as good a time as any to turn over a new leaf.

A friend asked "what, if any, NY resolutions do you have?"  I have been giving this some thought, between shoving fistfuls of cookies and candy in my mouth.  I should go on a diet. I should get back to the gym. I should use fewer swear words! But as I think about it, those are things I should be doing anyhow. I don't really need a flip of calendar page to do those, which may or may not last past Jan. 2. (At least the swearing part, damn it.)

To me, a resolution is changing they way you think about something. Resolve is way to re-solve a way of thinking or behaving. It carries a greater commitment to change of mind and behavior than just not swearing or working out more. I would agree that dieting and exercise do require a way to re-solve your thinking and behaviors, but I think that's more of a dedicated change of habit than a more soul-searching re-solutions.

2011 was a horrible year, or as Queen Elizabeth called 1995, an "annus horribilus." I lost my parents, I lost a dear friend, my husband's job took a turn for the worse, my own job presented frustrating challenges and my dog ate a rug that cost a small fortune to remove. I was so incredibly ready to put 2011 behind that last year's resolutions were pretty big--buy a new house, sell my parent's house, sell our old house and help get my husband into a new job. We ticked everything off that list aside from selling my parent's house. I neglected or ignored making any personal resolutions, I wasn't ready to deal with anything on a personal or emotional level. I turned fifty and felt nothing. I'm not sure what I was supposed to feel, but marked the occasion with indifference. It has become clear to me that I need to re-solve my heart and soul and find a way to become fully engaged and thoughtful in my life again. I need to shake off the cobwebs and boot out the ghosts and shrug off the grief and step back out and re-solve my thinking and outlook.

The first step in this re-solution is to rethink how I feel about being a Catholic. I am a born and raised, K-College Catholic. I don't always drink the Kool-aide and struggle very hard with some of the party-lines, but in my core, my soul, deep in the very heart of me, I am Catholic and I love my faith. I spent time away from the Church in the past year, I think I needed the distance and perspective and the opportunity to miss it. I needed to feel longing for Mass and longing for the Word. I'd become lazy and used my sadness and grief to push away something that was very dear to me.  My husband and I could talk ourselves out of going to Church with nothing more than "you want another cup of coffee?" and we'd tuck in and not leave the house til late afternoon.

We went to Mass on Christmas day. It was the first time since Easter that we'd been. I swore I'd never be a CEO Catholic (Mass on Christmas, Easter and One other time a year) and here I was, a CEO. Being Catholic requires a commitment--you can't be sort of a Catholic, like you can't be sort of pregnant. It is not a faith of convenience, it is a faith of commitment.  To that, I do struggle with some of the teachings of the Church, and I struggle with the sins and opinions of their very human leaders, but I have to recognize that my relationship with my God is personal and I think God forgives me my doubts.

I sat there on Christmas morning, as aware and engaged in the Mass as I'd ever been. I listened to the prayers, the readings, the homily and participated in the Eucharist. My heart felt lifted in a way it hadn't been in a very long time. I felt like I was home again, back to a place of love and acceptance, of forgiveness and the comfort of prayer and ritual.

My re-solution for 2013 is to reawaken my soul, to rediscover joy and happiness by living a life centered around spirituality and my faith and living in a way that God would find pleasing. I need to let go of my selfishness and my desire to be right. To forgive and let others have the grace of being who they are without my judgement. To help others who struggle. To be kind to those for whom kindness isn't always easy. To give of my time, talent and resources in a way that benefits someone else. This is a deeply personal resolution and I promise this blog is not about to become a Bible-thumping screeching screed of faith. I just needed to get it down on paper, so to speak, as a means of personal accountability. 

I hope if everyone considering a resolution thinks in terms of bigger picture. Diets come and go, gym memberships get used and forgotten. Try making a resolution that really challenges your way of thinking and being in the world. Hopefully you and the world will be better for it!