Mother Less Day

I'm dedicating this post to those of us who don't have mothers anymore.

This isn't for those who can't bear children, or who choose not to bear children or those who've lost children.  This isn't about being a mother.

This is about not having a mother.

I am almost 51 and many of my contemporaries are losing their moms to age and illness. Some of us have lost them years ago and still bear the ache of that loss.

Mother's Day is a painful holiday for us. It's an unhappy club, exclusive by loss.

Reminders abound; reminders about buying the perfect gift, the perfect card, the perfect flowers, the perfect heart-shaped necklace. Reminders abound that our own mothers are no longer here to shop for, remember to send a card to, order flowers for, to make that Sunday morning phone call.

Many of us had difficult relationships with our mothers. Maybe we're more like them than we'd care to admit. Maybe our differences were so great the chasm could only be crossed by great compromise and purposeful quiet. Some of us were friends and companions or caregivers to our mothers. Some us remember our mothers as hero warrior goddesses who were impervious to the forces of day to day living and conquered mountains and armies to provide for us. Of course there are those who's moms barely held it together and lived in chaos.

Time has a way of softening the edges of our memories, sanding the burrs from the differences and difficulties and polishing the shine on our similarities and happy times. Our mothers were there to brush our hair from our forehead in the heat of fever. They wrapped their arms around us when we cried, even as teenagers when those arms embarrassed us or caused us frustration and conflict. They listened to us share our dreams and successes and held us up during our failures. Our mothers gave us the one thing no one else in the universe will ever be able to give us--absolute, unconditional, throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-train for you love.  No matter how ugly or mean or spiteful or crazy or emotional we became, our mothers loved us with the same all-consuming mama bear love that they felt the moment we were first laid in their arms.

We will never know or feel that love again. 

We have no choice but to accept that and sigh, look wistfully to the horizon and enjoy a private reverie, maybe shed a few quiet tears. It may be overhearing a mother and daughter in a dressing room joking around and laughing, bickering, teasing, to bring back, with the force of a thousand suns, the memories shared years earlier with your mom. Or watching a daughter link arms with her mother as they walk down the street, or seeing the back of an elderly woman's head who is the same build and stature. The reminders seem to come from no where. Every where. All at once. Or the moment you look down and see your mother's hand, realizing it's your own, or catching a glimpse in a mirror of your own face that echoes hers, or the voice you hear sounds like hers...but is your own. Or the voice whispering to you in your dreams, the fleeting misty view of her smile as she comes to you, from the other side, by your side, in the moments before you wake.

If you're reading this and you are blessed to still have your mother, hold her tight. Put aside your impatience, ego or differences and appreciate her. There will be a time, far sooner than you can imagine, that you'll be a member of this sorority. Send her a card, send her flowers, take her to brunch or do whatever you want to do to celebrate today. But tomorrow, call her, take her to lunch, tell her you love her and appreciate her and are there for her. Ask her for advice, listen to that advice. Ask her about her dreams, desires, wishes and ideas. Do whatever you can to make her life better, easier, more fulfilling. Be there for her. You won't be sorry if you do.

To my sisters and brothers in the mother less club, endure today. Enjoy your own families or find something you like to do and bury yourself in it. Try not to let the bombardment of the day make you sad. It's just another day on the calendar. Hold your memories close and know that no matter your relationship, there's a very strong likelihood, your mother loved you dearly and was incredibly proud of you.


I love you Mom. I miss you.

Lost And Then Saved

Twice.

I've had blog posts ready to go and by some means, I've accidentally deleted them while editing.

ARGH.

I hate it when that happens.  A few weeks ago I created a fairly complicated 8 page excel workbook at work, spending well over 2 hours on it. At one point, I opened an email that had an excel attachment, I opened the attachment, which had information I needed for my document. I closed that attachment, excel asked me if I wanted to save it, OF COURSE, I said NO and it closed ALL of excel and I lost my entire workbook.  Rending of garments commenced.  You'd think I've learned my lesson and hit SAVE SAVE SAVE with every word I type, but alas, I don't. *save*

Not much is new other than the 14 inches of snow we got on May 2. Heavy wet disgusting snow. Took down lots of trees and power lines along with the happiness quotient of everyone living in Southeastern Minnesota. Spring seemed almost within our reach and then Mother Nature decided to throw a giant hissy fit. Fortunately it's all gone now and the grass is gloriously green and lush and the trees are blooming and ready to pop out in full leaf. *save*

About two weeks ago I decided I needed to shake off my winter fugue and insulation. I've struggled with IBS for over 25 years and while I know certain foods cause a reaction, I've never been able to fully get a handle on my situation. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say, I have a fairly predictable unpredictable gut that provides hours of time for reading.  I also have a spare tire I'm tired of dragging around. So, I gave up white, white flour and white sugar. I've also stepped back from all sweets and processed foods and pasta and bread and anything that one would consider a simple carbohydrate. I'm not doing Atkins or Paleo or any other specific diet, but just eating protein, very modest rice, wild rice and oatmeal, vegetables and fruit. I am using the "if it's a fruit or vegetable in it's natural form" it's ok to eat. If it's processed or manufactured, I'm avoiding it.  Interestingly, I feel a lot better, and my weight is starting to trend down. I harbor no illusion of getting my lumpy butt in a bikini, but I would like to wear a smaller size. The one thing I've noticed is my arthritis hasn't bothered me in a week. We went to see Trampled by Turtles (a Minnesota band--you should check them out!) the other evening and we stood for the entire concert. Normally my knees would be stiff and aching and bothering me for days after. But! Not now. They didn't hurt that evening, haven't hurt since.  I have to wonder if I don't have a gluten sensitivity that's been the underlying cause of my issues. *save*

I did create a new pork tenderloin recipe this past week. I had a bag of fresh spinach and some pork tenderloins to use. Normally I'd put the pork on the grill, but my grill was encased in a glacier which left me with indoor cooking. So I butterflied them, filled them with ham, Dijon, fresh spinach and 4-Cheese blend, rolled them up, rolled them in an herb blend and baked them. They were delicious! You will have to use your imagination about how they look because I didn't take their picture.

Spinach and Cheese Stuffed Pork Tenderloin

This recipe uses two whole pork tenderloins, about a pound each. You can cut the recipe in half to create one tenderloin. I reheated the second whole tenderloin in the oven at 325 for 20 minutes and it was perfect.

2 pork tenderloins, silver skin trimmed off.
8 slices Black Forest Ham (or baked ham)
2 cups shredded Quattro Formaggio-Italian Blend cheese with Provolone, Parm, Mozz and Romano (I used Trader Joes)
1/4 c. Dijon mustard
4 c. fresh rinsed and dried spinach

In a separate bowl mix:
1/4 t. garlic powder
1/2. t. lemon pepper
1/4. t. thyme leaves
1/4. kosher salt


Also have on hand a ball of kitchen twine or string, toothpicks, a meat mallet, saran wrap and a parchment - lined baking sheet.

Preheat the over to 375.

Lay out a large area of saran wrap. Place one pork tenderloin on the saran wrap and carefully cut it down the middle like a book, taking care not to cut all the way thru. Flatten the tenderloin and cover with saran wrap. Pound the tenderloin until it is a large flat piece of meat, about 1/4-1/2" inch thick. Remove the saran.

Cover the inside of the tenderloin with 4 slices of ham. If the slices are smaller, use more, but 4 large thin slices should be enough. Spread half the Dijon mustard across the ham. Lay half the spinach on top of the ham and sprinkle with half of the cheese. It looks like a big pile but it will compress when you roll it.

Starting at the wide end closest to you, carefully roll up the tenderloin, pushing the spinach and cheese into the middle. Secure the roll tightly in several places with twine. Secure the ends with a couple of toothpicks. The ham slices will act as "insulation" to prevent the cheese from melting out.

Sprinkle half of the herb mixture over the tenderloin and rub in all over. I rolled the tenderloin on the saran wrap with the herbs. Move the tenderloin to the baking sheet, seam side down.

Repeat with the other tenderloin.

Roast in the over for about 35 minutes, testing with a meat thermometer to the thickest part of the tenderloin. It should read 150-remove from oven, TENT the tenderloin with foil and allow to rest about 5 minutes. It will continue cooking and this allows the cheese time to set.

Carve and serve.

*save*